What to Twitter about

Since opening my Twitter account and then going back to it when Stephen Fry and Jonathan Ross publicised the phenomenon, the challenge has been what exactly to mumble on about. I send text messages to my friends when it's inconvenient to ring, so I don't deem such conversations as "meet at Mucky Duck at 8 for pint" or "what do you mean, she was a he? And you left me at the bar with her/him?" particularly interesting for people that can sign up my stream from the other side of the world.

My "theory" for people that use Twitter and also happen to live in the normal, mundane world is to only submit text that is interesting and/or stirs conversation. Sometimes I'll conveniently forget and start turning my feed into a blog that started in 1999 and believes the whole world is reading and cannot wait for the next exciting update - notifications such as "just finished work - what a drag" and "urgh just sneezed and missed the handkerchief". Generally though I'd like to think that I'd Twit webpages of interest, snippets of news that I've heard on the grapevine in my field of enjoyment, or perhaps some words of wisdom/idiocy that I came upon.

If only it were that simple. It's easy to turn Twitter into a plug-machine for various projects, devoid of any attempt at communication with your followers. The problem with being an "ordinary" is our projects are often some sort of website, which we've all seen before, and that don't become anything after a few hundred hits. It's the famous people that use the service which have the exciting projects, because we all want to know what they're doing. It's here where the rules don't apply, because generally anything plugged by the likes of Kevin Spacey, Eddie Izzard, Steve Buscemi and Robert Llewellyn is likely to be worth seeing and reading into, the mundane updates are something to savour because of their special status in society.

It could be argued that to use Twitter effectively it would be wise to have a claim to fame beforehand. Those of us at work haven't a mobile at hand with which to text meaningful updates and as such, are forced to become more creative if we're to become even a minescule as popular as the celebrities that beat the Twitter drum in the media spotlight. Ordinary everyday folk became famous for their work on Youtube videos, could the same be waiting for a Twitter user?

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Fashion

I don't want to be the person that tells people what to do. You earns your money, you does what you like with it. But there are some fashion types that I simply cannot get my head around, and having a younger, teenage brother doesn't help matters.

First of all, girls that wear short skirts with those thin, black leggings that stop around the shin area. Could anything look more skanky? I imagine Russian prostitutes wearing the same thing, or people too poor to afford tights that stretch for the entirety of their legs. Pug boots are another bane of mine. Flat footed and garish material, if I see a good looking girl wearing them I get turned off immediately, because they just look so stupid and are not what a shoe should be. Eskimos, yes, I can see them wearing furry boots and possibly Pugs, but not girls on the high-street in the UK, on a blisteringly hot sunny day.

T-shirts or jumpers that have the neck stretched so that one arm with a bra strap is showing - please, you look mental. It's like they just got mugged and the culprit stretched their clothing in the struggle to get their handbag. And then there's the short shirts and jackets that expose a bare mid-drift, which offers nothing but a sight of a ghastly pierced navel (here, hold still whilst I drive this piece of metal into a painful area of your body) and a future career for an osteopath. Cover yourselves up and appeal to us guys with your personalities and not how sluttish you can look.

It's not just young girls though, boys are just as bad. In particular the bloke that served me in CEX today. Nothing wrong with his attitude, lovely lad. But when he took my videogame case and turned round to find it on the bottom shelf, his tight jeans revealed the hairy crack of his arse - not the thing I want to see when I'm off to the cafe afterwards for lunch. College kids have this same bizarre fashion sense in that the rear pockets of their jeans must bang against the back of their knee's, and their arses should hang out over the top of the waist line. Who honestly saw that and thought it was a good idea?

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Robert Llewellyn

Until two weeks ago, Robert Llewellyn was, to me, "that guy" from Red Dwarf, a show I hadn't followed much back in the day but had a lot of respect for, and Scrapheap Challenge, something I'd lay in bed to on a Sunday until late in the afternoon. The latter catered more for his personality, in that he likes to horse around a lot, and was perhaps the reason for me stumbling across and eventually following his Twitter feed.

I'm not a particular fan of actors, singers and celebrities in the sense that I watch or listen to what they do best, hit them up on IMDB to see their performance history and maybe do some Wikipedia investigations to look into their background. I want to learn what paths they crossed or if they ever performed near where I live, and that's where my pursuit ends. I'm not a raving lunatic that wants to eat and drink the same brands as them, or demands the latest news on their whereabouts. I like to see them perform and then leave them alone, which is what most celebs and actors crave.

Updates such as this photo at the voice-over of the new Red Dwarf DVD can be found on Robert's Twitter feed.

Robert Llewellyn is a different breed. He knows he has dedicated fans and doesn't seem particularly bothered about keeping himself out of the spotlight - nor does he go chasing it. His Twitter feed shed light on his Youtube (Llewtube) channel and website, on which he submits videos and blog posts surrounding his opinion on current events. His modesty ensures that there isn't an ego waiting to be massaged, instead you get the feeling that he simply wants to vent to the world without getting in the way - you choose to follow him on Twitter or watch his videos - and entirely thankful for you, the viewer, for choosing to listen.

It's this sort of character that appealed to me. A famous name and face that doesn't beg for attention and instead leaves it entirely up to you whether his opinions are heard or fall on deaf ears. He's also a man of efficiency; not in the way you'd think of Germany, more of a "friend of the earth". Electric cars, despite the type of people that bleat on about them, have more efficient engines compared to their petrol and diesel counterparts, drive quieter and don't pump out any nasty fumes - you let the power station do that. Notice I steered clear of the "G" word - green - as Bob tactfully points out, no car will ever be "green", they aren't environmentally friendly machines. But we could do a lot more to make them less savage on the countryside.

Carpool - found at Llewtube, as well as iTunes.

The openness of the man astounds me; his Wet Liberal videos delve into the mind of Robert and show that despite his successes, he's just an ordinary human being. Perhaps the recording that touched me most was when walking in the woods, explaining how people his age feel about their wives as they grow older and the pro's and con's of early and late marriages. A real down-to-earth piece that struck a chord with me since I also have older friends and often hear those sorts of stories, and was great to have something to relate to. His keenness for self-sufficiency (but not over-the-top) is another element I can relate to, having dug up half the garden to plant vegetables and always wishing I could turn the back part of the roof into a sunlight-collecting energy station. Hell, I'd have a watermill if we'd a river near us.

His fun-loving style often ensures a hilarious update, be it a Tweet or a video, that brings at the very least a smile and some thoughts for the day. Seeing his update when in Scandinavia (covering the rally tournament) and his escapades with the locals was certainly a treat (or should that be Tweet?). His latest endeavour, Carpool, features himself and another famous face simply driving somewhere. Far from an interview, it's just chatter on a variety of subjects with no structure or reasoning. Bob describes the show as "something you'd hear whilst sitting in the back seat", which isn't far from the truth.

Wet Liberal - almost-weekly Youtube series

Twitter has me constantly checking on the status and updates of a celebrity, something that I've never once done before. I even find myself replying to Tweets, like I'm having a conversation with the guy himself. I sometimes fear I reply too much and the great man may think "ok, you're a bit over-eager, I'm blocking you now"; I guess I'm just besotted with finding someone so down to earth and very in touch with reality that I can't help but respond. His personality and lust for life are as contagious as the media make out this Swine Flu to be.

Robert Llewellyn - lovely chap.

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In contact, all of the time.

The position of being contacted by anyone you've ever met, through Facebook, was a revelation around this time last year for me. To see their photo's and how much they've changed, what their lives entail now, it was a snoopers dream.

Now I'm getting sick of it. There's a reason I stopped talking to most of the people on my Facebook profile in real life, and that's because our differing opinions prevented us from getting to know each other better. Others moved away, it simply wasn't to be. And some people I simply fell out with. I'm not quite sure I want to know what they're having for dinner, or that they had a tough day at work, or that they're attending an illegal rave and hope to get drugged up to their eyeballs - and yet the information is there.

Facebook has nosedived into a world where the successful get to flaunt how great their lives are, and the seedy can stalk ex girlfriends and underage teens to the point of obsession. I just don't want to know.

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